


Only in His Dreams

by Ertal77



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 09:39:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5962633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ertal77/pseuds/Ertal77
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki has been missing for two months after his ordeal at the hands of Jason and the Aogiri Tree, but of course some of his friends keep looking for him. Kaneki POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only in His Dreams

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stellarlies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellarlies/gifts).



> Happy Valentine's Day!
> 
> This is a gift for my friend Izzy Valentino, so obviously it had to feature her favourite ship (well, a bit overshadowed lately by Saigenos, but as I don't follow OPM, she will have to be satisfied with a Hidekane fic XD ).

Trying to find doctor Kanou and inquiring about the Aogiri Tree (the ghoul organisation that he, more or less, considered his “opponents” in that shady and confusing world of the ghouls) occupied most of the time of Ken Kaneki.

However, every time he could scratch a bit of time from his schedule, there was something he still enjoyed doing. And he enjoyed very few things lately; he didn’t even go to Anteiku for a good cup of coffee anymore. He had decided to cut himself from the coffee shop, and no matter how much he missed them, he wouldn’t give in to the temptation of visiting his friends.

What he could still enjoy, though, was watching his friends from the distance. Watching Touka walking to and from high school with her friend, safe and sound, and even _smiling;_ he had rarely seen her doing that when talking to him. He nodded to himself at the sight. _I made the right choice keeping myself apart from her_ , he thought, with a sad smile.

His smile, sad or not, vanished as soon as he treaded on Kamii University. The college was packed with sunny people, all bright smiles and fancy trendy clothes. He passed as a shadow among them, his serious face half hidden under his cap visor. He didn’t want to be seen by any of his old classmates and, in the case he bumped against them, he at least hoped a cap and a pair of sunglasses would help him to go through the campus without being recognised.

He lingered outside the cafeteria of the International Studies Faculty, pretending to read the menu, some handwritten notes, anything that would give him more time there without seeming too suspicious. Then, after a short waiting, at last his eyes met his target.

He usually found him in less than ten minutes, so well he did know his old childhood friend. Even after all the painful events of the last months, Kaneki still remembered by heart the entire of Hide’s agenda.

…So right then Kaneki started following Hide through the campus. He was walking with long and fast strides, alone, fact that surprised Kaneki a bit, because Hide had always been an open and friendly guy, and with the absence of his best friend he expected to be partially replaced quite quickly. But he seemed to be having lunch on his own, and after that he also walked alone. He still had half an hour until his next lesson, so this spare time was usually spent lying on the green with some friends. Instead of that, he was going somewhere as fast as he could, as if he was in a hurry. _Perhaps he has a date with a girl_ , Kaneki thought. _That would make sense, wouldn’t it?_

He noticed his friend’s hair had grown longer but, to his relief, his clothes looked more or less as always: sneakers, kaki capris, colourful hoody and also a cap. With so many changes, Kaneki was happy to see something unchanged, even if it was a trifle like that.

 _But what the hell is he doing?_ , Kaneki started wondering after a while. He couldn’t see Hide’s features from behind, but the boy seemed stubbornly determined to go somewhere. When he finally stopped and his objective was apparent, Kaneki’s heart clenched.

Because his friend started to unroll some posters he took from his backpack, and then proceeded to stick them with cello tape to all the boards in the main entrance of the college. Kaneki found himself staring at his own photograph, printed in those posters.

He waited until Hide finished and left to approach the boards. Covering the sides of his face with the collar of his jacket, he noticed his hands were trembling, out of control. Two girls were also looking at the posters, and their voices reached Kaneki’s ears:

“Oh, look, another lost boy… Do you think he ran away from home?”

“Nah… I talked with the guy who is posting these the other day. This boy is his best friend, and he was already living on his own, and working part-time and everything.”

“Then… you mean… he is another ghoul victim?”

The girl’s voice turned high-pitched in panic, and Kaneki held his breath. Then they turned and started walking, and he dared to exhale again.

The text accompanying the picture of a black-haired, patch-wearing and slightly smiling Kaneki read as follows: “Kaneki Ken, nineteen years old, disappeared on December 16th. If you see him or have any clue about him, please send an email to nagachika.h@kddi.co.jp”. So far, so good. But below that bare and cold message, there was a single line that froze Kaneki’s blood: “Please. He is my best friend and I can’t find him anywhere!”

Kaneki stared at that line until he lost the track of time. He looked around. That part of the campus was almost empty; everybody must have been at the classrooms. Good. Following his instinct, he took a pen from his pocket and wrote behind that last desperate line: “Please stop searching and try to be happy”.

He didn’t know if Hide would see it or not, nor what would be his reaction if he saw, but right then Kaneki’s chest hurt so much that he was sure his older self would have thrown up.

Without a further look at the board, he turned on his heels and left the campus.

He couldn’t help to come back the next day. It was ridiculous and he didn’t have the time, honestly, but he was trying to train and couldn’t focus at all. The sight of Hide roaming through the campus with that determination on his face, the face of a fighter, a sight that clashed with Hide’s usual easy-going air and goofy smile, kept haunting his mind. The knowledge that Hide was looking for him, that he was _sad_ and really affected by his disappearance… was too overwhelming for Kaneki. _Damned! I thought everybody would be better without me!_ he cursed in his head, kicking at the wall in rage. _Stupid Hide! Why don’t you look for a girlfriend, or for another best friend, and forget you ever met me?_

Wishful thinking, of course. Kaneki ended having a quick shower to get rid of the sweat and running to Kamii again.

What did he expect to find in that board, he couldn’t tell, not even to himself. Perhaps an answer from Hide? That was having too much hope, wasn’t it? Rize started laughing in his imagination. Stupid, weak Kaneki…

To his surprise, there was a small group of people looking at the boards where his picture was still posted. Uncomfortable, Kaneki tried to hide in vain some locks of white hair under his cap. His appearance was more remarkable than before, that was undeniable, but at least they were looking for a black-haired guy, so the risk of being recognised was slight. His hands started trembling again when he came closer and saw the same poster he wrote on the day before was still there. And there was more hand-written text behind his sentence.

He made his way through the students in front of the board, and felt slightly disappointed at seeing that the messages under his had all different hand-writings. None of them was Hide’s.

The content of the messages, though… Kaneki stared open-mouthed in amazement.

The one under his said: “Ignore this asshole and keep looking for! Please don’t despair!”

And the one under that first read: “It’s obvious this guy is very important for him, please help!”

There were more, scribbled on the edges of the poster, and even some doodles, signatures and hearts. One said: “Love will always win, you will find him!” and another: “Please help this heartbroken guy”.

Kaneki didn’t know how to react. He felt horrified, surprised and at the same time a warm feeling started to spread through his chest. Was he so important to Hide, really? Was he someone impossible to replace? He started walking out of the campus with a tiny stupid grin on his face.

The thought of being irreplaceable shouldn’t make him so happy, he knew… He was the one who cut himself from his friend’s life. He truly thought he would be happier without him, without finding out he had become a monster. He very much preferred his friend kept forever in mind the picture of an innocent, kind guy… instead of the cruel man hunter he had turned into. And yet… And yet…

He was so used to being alone, to just smile and move on every time someone or something hurt him, that it was heart-warming to know there was someone out there who really felt that way about him. Amazing Hide, always smiling, always brave enough to face whoever dared to pester Kaneki, always pretending he wasn’t as clever as he really was. The thought that Hide cared for him, that he didn’t consider Kaneki as “just another mate” made his heart throb faster.

But what could he do? Kaneki flopped down onto his bed and stared at the empty concrete walls of his refuge. He couldn’t come back to his previous life, as much as he wished. He had said goodbye to college in his mind, and to Anteiku and all the people who he counted as friends, classmates and acquaintances. He thought he was ready to be on his own, without being able to count on anyone else, but now he realised he didn’t want to let go of Hide. And that he probably never would.

It was stupid and sentimental, he knew. But the next night he found himself using his newfound abilities to jump from the street up to Hide’s balcony on the second floor of his apartment complex. He glanced inside: _Good, he’s already sleeping_ , Kaneki mumbled to himself. It was four in the morning; he had waited until it was pitch black night to avoid being seen by anyone, Hide included. He opened the window and entered Hide’s apartment, silent and agile as a cat.

Once inside, he glanced around with fondness, looking for changes in that familiar one-room apartment. It was quite similar to his own old one, a bit messier and full of clutter, but also cosier than his. His textbooks and class notes littered his low table between cans of coke and the remains of a hamburger, and his laptop was on, with a website of local news on the screen. Kaneki chuckled and shook his head. He watched his old friend, sleeping on his bed with an arm thrown over his forehead, and his face turned serious. He had got used to see him only from afar, and being so close to him, but still unable to talk with him, made him sigh with sadness. So many things should have to wait…if they would ever be. He wished he could hear again Hide’s voice, Hide’s light laugh, laughing about something insignificant but by his side.

Thinking about all the things he had lost when his life changed and he turned into a ghoul was painful and useless. He turned towards the table again, took something from his pocket and placed it on top of the laptop, where it was more visible from the bed. He wanted it to be the first thing Hide saw when he opened his eyes in the morning.

…Instead…

Hide’s eyes snapped open and looked directly at Kaneki.

“…Kaneki? Is that you?” he whispered, his voice still marred with sleep.

The half ghoul cursed inwardly. He hadn’t made any noise; he had no idea his friend was such a light sleeper! But the damage was already done, the only thing he could do right then was trying to cover it.

“Ssshhhh… You are dreaming. Close your eyes and keep sleeping.”

Would it work? Hide seemed still half asleep, so perhaps he would believe he was still dreaming.

“That’s why your hair is all white?” Hide mumbled, dragging the vowels. “You look like an angel.”

Kaneki chuckled. An angel, he? Hide was so dumb and lame sometimes… He leaned over his friend until their foreheads almost touched.

“Whatever you say… Now go to sleep again, alright?”

“Can I keep dreaming about you? A little while?”

Something in Hide’s voice broke at the end, and Kaneki felt his heart ache with sadness.

“Of course. Just close your eyes and keep dreaming. I am right here.”

Hide closed them for a moment, but he opened them again, looking more alert and awake than before.

“No! I want to look at you some more. I… kinda like that white hair.”

Kaneki smiled at him with fondness.

“Don’t I look as an old man?”

Hide shook his head and smiled back at him. His face was half hidden in shadows, but Kaneki was so close to him that he could marvel at how bright were Hide’s eyes. Then his friend raised his hand and reached for his cheek, and Kaneki felt his cool fingers on his face and covered them with his warmer ones.

“You look like the old sweet, silly Kaneki… but cooler.”

Kaneki couldn’t help to chuckle again. That Hide…

“Kaneki…”

His friend whispered his name so softly that he would have missed it hasn’t he been so close to him.

“Hmm?”

“If this is just a dream… then it’s okay if I do this?”

The hand on his cheek suddenly tightened and pulled Kaneki down, just a bit, the couple of inches necessary to link his lips with Hide’s. Surprised, Kaneki couldn’t react at first. The idea of pushing Hide aside and standing up never crossed his mind, though. He simply couldn’t do anything, just stare with wide eyes the closed lids of his friend, and the way the sparse rays of light from the street lamps lit the fair hair in front of him.

Then, once he regained his senses again, he noticed Hide’s breath against his own, and how loud he could hear his heartbeats. Without noticing, he reached for his friend’s bangs and stroked them, and then he relaxed enough to close his eyes as well and enjoy the proximity and the body warmth of Hide.

The next thing he felt was a hand exploring his nape and anchoring him down, and a wet tongue caressing the corner of his mouth. Surprised, he opened his lips, just slightly, but enough to allow Hide to enter his tongue and continue his exploration inside of his mouth. That left Kaneki’s mind suddenly numb and a sweet warmness started spreading through his whole body. He found himself reciprocating the kiss, sucking and pecking and stroking his friend’s face.

When they finally parted, Kaneki could see his own stupid smile reflected on Hide’s face. Before his friend could say a word, the half ghoul placed his index over Hide’s lips to shush him.

“Now close your eyes and keep on dreaming.”

Hide nodded, his lids already half shut with sleep, and Kaneki leaned back and sat properly on the bed, waiting until his friend fell asleep. He only had to wait a minute and Hide’s regular breathing told him it was safe to stand up and leave.

Before leaving, legs already half way through the window, he glanced back at Hide’s sleeping face, so soft and relaxed, and at the card he had left on his laptop. A Valentine’s card where he had written: “I will come back to you, I promise.”

The cover of the card was a trendy, most common one, showing two puppies and a standard printed dedication, “To my best friend”.

 _For next Valentine’s,_ Kaneki thought with a grin, _it seems I have to update Hide’s status and find a more suitable card._

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
